Noted doctor, psychologist, and author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross theorized in her book "On Death and Dying", which was published in 1969, that there were five stages to grief:
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
More recent research seems to indicate the grief process occurs in phases, rather than steps, and that we do not go through these phases in exact order. We may, in fact, be in one or more phase at the same time. All three phases, however, must be completed before the death is no longer the prevailing issue in the daily life of the co-victim. This theory has since been accepted by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, as well.
Phase I - Avoidance or Retreating
Having felt a false sense of security, that we are somehow exempt from tragedy, makes it very difficult to accept a traumatic death as reality. Co-victims may insist that the notification is a mistake.
Co-victims often report experiencing "tunnel vision", that the entire focus of attention is on the face of the person making the notification. Their questions will focus on exactly "what" and "how" this happened to their loved ones. Only later in the process do we focus on "why" it happened.
Phase 1 is often accompanied by a sense of numbness, which provides psychological protection and enables survivors to get through difficult tasks such as funeral arrangements.
While some may move through this phase within a few days, it may last for months. Those who are unable to see their loved ones body have a much more difficult time moving beyond this phase.
Phase II - The Confrontation or Working Through Phase
This is probably the most difficult phase for those dealing with the sudden death of a loved one. As the psychological numbness lifts, and reality sets in, co-victims must struggle with emotions such as depression, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, and despair. Our lives and our emotions are in a state of upheaval. Memories which will one day bring us joy are a source of intense pain during much of this phase.
Symptoms during this phase include confusion, impeded concentration, poor memory, and insomnia. The pain of loss may also cause indigestion, gastro-intestinal disorders, and other physical ailments.
This phase has been described as a time of "angry sadness." It is a time when we may blame ourselves or other family members or friends for the death. Thoughts of "If only I had . . ." or "If only he had . . ." may be strong.
Co-victims also commonly report having thoughts of revenge during this phase, which may be uncomfortable, but which are normal and must be validated rather than dismissed by others, as long as there is not an actual plan. The thoughts hurt no one and enable co-victims to process the horror of the act.
During Phase II we struggle to regain control of our lives and adapt to our new view of the world we live in. This is extremely difficult, since we have absolutely no control over the actions of the criminal justice system or the media. Those who need to deal with the criminal justice system and the media attention tend to take even longer to complete this phase.
Phase III - The Accomodation or Resolving Phase
The intense emotions of the previous phases must lessen to a great degree before entering this phase. It is here that co-victims learn to live with the "new normal," which includes social activities, laughter without guilt, and comfort in memories which had been painful. It is here that we become true "Survivors."