People often incorrectly use the terms "grief" and "mourning" interchangeably.
* Grief is defined as a deep, painful psychological wound caused by loss, misfortune, or disaster.
* Mourning is the experiencing, or expression, of that pain.
As humans, we naturally try to avoid anything that is physically or emotionally painful. There are few, if any, life experiences more painful to us than the sudden death of someone we love dearly. Therefore, many people tend to avoid doing exactly what needs to be done to go through the grief process.
Instead of healthy mourning, people tend to "push" painful thoughts out of their minds, and insulate themselves from such pain by using various mental and physical activities. Such tactics, in the long run, are not helpful at all. They only delay the inevitable. Repressing the pain of grief, rather than mourning our loss, can take an enormous emotional and physical toll on those who do so, as well as the people around them. Some examples of the consequences of repressed grief are:
Anticipated vs. Traumatic Grief
Most of us hold the false belief that those we love will leave us through "natural order." We expect to face the death of our grandparents, and then our parents. We also expect to experience the loss of one or more siblings, and to certainly die before our own children.
Sadly, life does not work that way. Death does not always occur due to advanced age, or a terminal illness; nor does it provide us with the opportunity to say "Goodbye," "I love you," or "I'm sorry."
Sudden deaths due to murder, suicide, crashes, natural disasters, or other totally unexpected events, do not allow us to prepare ourselves emotionally and address unsettled issues. Such deaths result in psychological trauma that must be treated before grief issues can be addressed.
Comparing anticipated grief with traumatic grief is like comparing a large dog entering a room versus a grizzly bear. If a dog suddenly appears before me, life experience has provided me with the skills to cope with such a situation. I might be uncomfortable and possibly upset.
However, nothing would enable me, or you, to be prepared for the day we are looking into the eyes of a grizzly bear. While we know bears exist, such an experience would be totally unexpected and traumatic, and our response would be one of intense fear and helplessness.
Uniqueness of Grief Due to Homicide
While everyone struggles with the unexpected nature of a loved one's death, and most agonize over the terror and pain our loved one may have faced in their final moments of life, the loved ones of homicide victims face additional issues.
First, their sense of trust in their fellow human beings has been shattered because a person intentionally ended their loved one's life. There is usually no sense of remorse from the perpetrator. Families which have suffered the murder of a loved one at the hands of another family member, or "friend," are especially impacted by the crime. Surely, if we are unable to trust our own family members, or friends, then who can be trusted?
The loved ones of murder victims are also subjected to on-going second injuries associated with the criminal justice system and the media. We continue to be re-victimized repeatedly by trials, appeals, parole hearings, and other proceedings for the killer, as well as associated media attention.
Because of these factors, it is extremely difficult for the loved ones of homicide victims to go through the mourning process and begin to reach what is known as a "new normal."
The sudden death of a loved one is traumatic no matter what caused the death; however, the issues co-victims face will vary.
Issues Associated with Other Types of Sudden Death
Those who have lost a loved one due to an accident may have a difficult time focusing their anger. Since the act was not intentional, the co-victims may reach the conclusion that they could have made the same mistake, especially if the person who caused the accident is very upset about what they did and remorseful.
In other cases, co-victims may be angry that the person who caused the accident does not face any criminal charges. Being informed the person who caused their loved one's death will not be held accountable by law is very difficult for such co-victims. This is often the case when a child gets his/her hands on a firearm and shoots another child. Rarely, if ever, is the gun owner held responsible for such a death, as is the case with many crashes.
Every traumatic death results in the need for much support.